You know those nightmares that people talk about where they are going to a big exam or presentation and they get there and are completely unprepared or are naked or whatever?
That was my day today.
I didn't leave the house sans clothes or anything, but I was trying to give a short, simple presentation in a meeting today (because that is what I thought I was meant to do since I was told that I had to give said presentation only yesterday), and I was caught completely off guard with many questions.
And I knew the answers to none of them.
I SHOULD have known the answers to ALL of the questions, but I knew absolutely nothing.
It was the most demoralizing experience that I have had since I failed the oral part of the Major Exam in the early years of my graduate career.
It was absolutely horrible. Sitting there in front of the group, flailing. Knowing I should know the answers to these questions, but not having them in my head at all.
I came home immediately after the meeting, cried, and contemplated all the ways that I am a failure and have not progressed in anyway towards being a Successful Adult (no degree, no house, no man, lots of debt, etc. etc.). Cried some more.
For only the 2nd time in the last 7 years I seriously considered quitting. I mean, it's been 7 years, that's a little on the long side in getting a degree. Maybe I'm just not good at it. Maybe this is not what I am meant to do with my life.
But how does one decide something like that? I feel like I am the kind of person who can realistically judge my own capabilities, and don't have a problem admitting that there are things I am not good at. Sure, I'll give it the best try I can, but eventually I have to recognize my own limitations.
If there was anything, ANYTHING else in the world that I think I would be more satisfied doing, I wouldn't think twice about packing up the car and driving off into the sunset. But, there isn't anything else I want to do, which is why it is so devastating when I have a catastrophic failure.
Luckily, I also had my first bellydance class of the spring semester, and after an hour of chest lifts, hip swivels and shimmies, I was in a more level state of mind. I went to a local pub and chatted with some long lost acquaintances for a bit, and it all seems much less bleak now.
Hopefully tomorrow when I have to go back in and face everyone again it all won't go to hell in a handbasket again.
About Me
- hamster_grrl
- Adventures of a strong, single girl adjusting to being a stranger in a strange land starting a career in science
4 comments:
Sorry about the bad day hun! We all have 'em! I am sure today will be much better and you'll realize how awesomely smart you are! You challenge the rest of us to do better!
Bad days. They happen. I recently had a whole bunch of them, but now things all of the sudden seem better. I'm sure everything will at least seem better soon. I'll see you tomorrow at the UP show.
1. We are the same. I also have no man, debt, etc... I feel your pain.
2. Become better at the art of bullshitting. This is the key to life. No one knows everything all the time. If you mastered all of your skills now, you would be completely bored by the time you are 31 and would have to commit suicide because you are so bored you can't handle life anymore. :) Seriously though, when someone asks a question you can't answer, start writing it down and say: "I don't have the answer to that at this time, but I will get it to you after further study/I contact XX/I make some calls/blah blah blah. That works quite well, especially if you say it with total confidence (while you slowly pee your pants). ;)
Thank you guys so much for the advice and well wishes. Luckily everything is back to normal now. Thanks again!
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