existential crisis

I was talking at lunch today with some other graduate women about life in academia, and one of them was relating a story about the struggles in a research-based career. She was saying how one really has to have a "fire in the belly" about what one does in order to survive and make tenure.

Later I saw an amazing talk by a very successful scientist who was clearly excited about his work, and I could tell that he would not be where he is today if he wasn't always yearning for the next discovery.

Then, I talked with my boss about my own work, what I need to get done and why I haven't already finished work that really should be done by now.

I could give a myriad of excuses about why x and y haven't been done. But, this week I am trying to sit and listen to the input I get from my boss rather than instantly going on the defensive*. She couldn't understand how I had let so much time pass without getting the work done, how come I didn't burn with curiosity about what results my projects have produced.

And as I sat there thinking about what she was saying, I realized that the reason why it isn't all done and I haven't graduated yet is because I don't really care about what I do. Do I find it interesting? yes. Do I think it is important? definitely. But do I have a fire in the belly about it? No.

This is a scary, sad, and liberating realization. At the moment it is mostly scary and sad, because I have spent the last 8 years working on this thing I don't really like. It's like realizing that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It sucks. Even though you know that it will all work out for the best, it still sucks.

The liberating part of it is that I also realized that I don't have to keep doing this thing I don't like. I can do a completely new and different and EXCITING thing for my post-doctoral research!

So basically now I really need to finish everything up so I can start doing something else that I will be much happier doing. Something that stokes the fire in my belly.

I just have to figure out what that something else is.

*I know it's cheesy but my horoscope this week inspired me to do this, seriously.