It's getting better all the time

I have escaped to my best friend's house for the weekend, and it has been glorious to be in a place where people talk courteously to one another and don't go around slamming doors all the time (well, sometimes Nate-dog does, but he's 6, so I don't think it's on purpose).

We've been spending the weekend hanging out in the pool and drinking cocktails to celebrate....drum roll....me getting the kick-ass post-doc job in Belgium!! Yay! Yay! Yay!!!

After the phone interview I was telling my dad how it all worked out, in a very subdued yet excited voice (as it was about 8:30am). Stepmom walks out into the kitchen where my dad is and whispers something to him about 'yelling', and my dad says, 'she's not yelling, she's excited, she just got a job'. There was some other whispers that tempted me to go into the kitchen and say in a full voice, 'do you have something to say to me? to my face?' but the glee of getting a job made me decide that it wasn't worth the effort.

Later she was all smiles and congratulatory, I think because now she knows I won't be there much longer. She was back to her standard door-slamming, ignoring self as the afternoon wore on, though.

Whatever, dude.

The Belgium job should be starting on or around Nov. 1st. Originally Oct. 1 was a potential start date, but I really appreciate having a couple more weeks to get organized for an overseas move. Luckily I just streamlined all of my possessions for the move from PA to Vegas, so I don't have too much stuff to sort through to move, but there is still plenty to do. Anyone out there have any tips for becoming an expat for a year or two?

At the moment I am sorting through the hundreds of photos I have taken over the last few months and uploading them to flickr, including pics from my favorite band's last show ever, the drive from PA to NV, and Burning Man! The road trip and Burn picture sets are still growing, so more will appear there over the coming days.

Sparkle has done a much better job of updating her Burning Man pics in a timely fashion, so if you want to catch a glimpse of some of our adventures, check out her flickr page.

A brand new day

After a night of crying and talking with my amazing friends, I have realized that my life is not as bleak as I thought.

This morning, as I was making myself more presentable after crying in DancingFish's office, I got a call from a prospective future employer. I was beginning to think that they were not so interested since I did not get a response from my email a few weeks ago. But no, they are interested and we will talk again next week about future plans and such.

Exciting!!

existential crisis

I was talking at lunch today with some other graduate women about life in academia, and one of them was relating a story about the struggles in a research-based career. She was saying how one really has to have a "fire in the belly" about what one does in order to survive and make tenure.

Later I saw an amazing talk by a very successful scientist who was clearly excited about his work, and I could tell that he would not be where he is today if he wasn't always yearning for the next discovery.

Then, I talked with my boss about my own work, what I need to get done and why I haven't already finished work that really should be done by now.

I could give a myriad of excuses about why x and y haven't been done. But, this week I am trying to sit and listen to the input I get from my boss rather than instantly going on the defensive*. She couldn't understand how I had let so much time pass without getting the work done, how come I didn't burn with curiosity about what results my projects have produced.

And as I sat there thinking about what she was saying, I realized that the reason why it isn't all done and I haven't graduated yet is because I don't really care about what I do. Do I find it interesting? yes. Do I think it is important? definitely. But do I have a fire in the belly about it? No.

This is a scary, sad, and liberating realization. At the moment it is mostly scary and sad, because I have spent the last 8 years working on this thing I don't really like. It's like realizing that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It sucks. Even though you know that it will all work out for the best, it still sucks.

The liberating part of it is that I also realized that I don't have to keep doing this thing I don't like. I can do a completely new and different and EXCITING thing for my post-doctoral research!

So basically now I really need to finish everything up so I can start doing something else that I will be much happier doing. Something that stokes the fire in my belly.

I just have to figure out what that something else is.

*I know it's cheesy but my horoscope this week inspired me to do this, seriously.

moving in

We had some lovely cool days last week, a respite from the oppressive, humid, summer heat.

But, of course, on Saturday when I moved into my new apartment, it came back with a vengeance.

Luckily, this time around there were no stairs involved, it was a a straightforward move from a storage unit to apartment, and I had 6 awesome friends helping me out.

I did learn some valuable lessons from the day:

1. Two dozen donuts is too many for only 7 people
2. So is 4 pizzas.

I've been slowly but surely unpacking and arranging my new environment. My new place has a good amount of space, but far fewer shelves. So, I went shopping for some additional cheap shelves along with the college students who were coming back to school this week.

I realized that I am 30 years old and am still buying furniture that doesn't match and is really suited for dorm life. *sigh*

I can't wait to graduate and get a real job. Then I could, perhaps, get a couch and loveseat that have the same upholstery. And then, if I am lucky, a coffee table with matching end tables to complement the sofas. Maybe even some lamps. And an ottoman.

It's good to have goals.

Saying goodbye

I've been searching for a new apartment ever since I got back from Australia. The search has been heavy on my mind and heart. Being without a place to call my own has affected me more than I thought it would. I have been feeling lost and unable to start anything of any substance. It has been like I don't have a safe haven, a place I can sit with myself and think, and I hate it.

I have called about 30 people about apartments, and heard back from 2. It has been increasingly frustrating.

I was talking with my counselor about how much this is stressing me out, she asked if I had mourned the loss of my old apartment. When I instantly dissolved into a puddle of tears upon hearing the question, I knew that I hadn't.

When I left for Australia, I was in such a rush packing, cleaning, working, and organizing, I never was able to really say goodbye to the place. I knew that it would catch up to me sometime. And boy, did it ever.

I know that to some people, the space where they live is not really important. It is just an object in the world, and doesn't have any direct affect on their emotional state. But that particular apartment was special to me.

When I decided to move into that apartment, I was in the midst of some dark times in my life. I had been living in a crappy place on the first floor of a house. The bedroom was small, so my bed was in the living room. The bathroom only had a shower, no bathtub. It was basically a large dorm room, with no real furniture or decor. I had just been through a rough breakup, and in the process of dealing with the aftermath, alienated many of the people I called my friends at the time. I felt stagnant and miserable and just plain cranky. My upstairs neighbors had taken to playing Metallica at about 9am on Saturdays and then stomping about and yelling during the rest of the day. I hated where I lived and I hated how miserable I was. Eventually, I realized that I had to do something with my days other than sitting alone in my glorified dorm room, chain smoking and playing video games. So, I started taking an exercise class, I got involved in some new activities and started to make new (and quite fabulous) friends.

Also, I moved. The apartment had a real bedroom, a bathtub, a dishwasher, and it was the kind of place I could bring friends to. I moved in practically by myself. I was still really angry and good at alienation, so not too many people were volunteering to help me out. But, slowly, I built a new, better life there. I loved it. That apartment was part of my journey out of misery. I really loved it, and the years I spent there were great. That apartment was a haven for me, a place where my life transitioned from feeling bitter, lonely, unloved and unhealthy to feeling happy, social, well-liked, and healthy. I went from having very few people help move me in, to having a well organized network of many people help me and my stressed self move out.



This is one of the only pictures I have of the place. I will always remember that apartment. Good bye, old friend.

Next weekend I move into a new place. This place will be where I spend my last year of graduate school, where I write my thesis, search for jobs, and wear extra layers in the winter since heat is not included in rent. I move in next weekend, and I can't wait!

potent desires

From this week's Freewill Astrology:

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It's the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I've ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don't precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It's better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.

I can barely begin to articulate why this week's horoscope touches my soul.

Since my return from Australia I seem to have been hit full force with the reality that the next stage in my life is rapidly approaching and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Well, I suppose I could move backwards, but the stagnancy I have been experiencing for the last few years definitely has to end. Basically, it's time for me to wrap up this crazy graduate school experience. This means the next year will be filled with insane amount of work, writing, and job hunting. I do not enjoy academic writing, but I am just going to have to get over that, as scary as it seems.

Also, I've realized that I have an amazing support system of family and friends, and I have a full social calendar. I would love to have someone to share that with. It's been years since I had a proper boyfriend, and it's been over a year since I met someone who I felt any chemistry with. I'm still exploring what is keeping me from a fulfilling intimate romantic relationship at the moment.

And I am homeless, technically. I am staying at a friend's house right now but searching for a new place, hopefully moving in Sept 1. Not having MY place with all of MY stuff has been a little disconcerting. With the stresses of Real Life barreling toward me at 1,000,000 miles a minute, not having a place of my own to kind of anchor me down to the world has been affecting me more than I expected.

So I reckon my 3 huge, soaring, potent desires are:
1. a home
2. a boyfriend
3. a Ph.D.

Of course I also have a plethora of half-assed goals, but many of them will get done during the process of attaining the Big Three up there.