It has certainly been a trying time getting all of my stuff packed up in PA and then moving across the country to hamsterdad's house.
I haven't lived with hamsterdad for about 20 or so years. My parents got divorced when I was about 9 or 10. There was the usual divorce drama (dad was sleeping with my friend's mom, and knocked her up, it was quite a soap opera). In the end, hamsterdad wanted joint custody, he wanted to be a part of my life, which is a great thing, considering other people are not so lucky.
So, the plan was that I would spend night's with hamsterdad (my mom worked the graveyard shift), and then days at Mom's and weekends were split or something, I don't remember it much since it did not last terribly long. Turns out stepmom was not happy at all with the arrangement, she was mean to me and constantly yelling at my dad about the living arrangement. After one particularly traumatic morning where stepmom yelled "you are not her babysitter!!!" to my dad, I had enough. On the way to school, I told my dad never to bring me back to that house again. He asked why, and I told him "Because she treats me like shit and you don't do anything about it".
It was the first time I had ever sworn in front of my dad. I was 10 years old.
And I never set foot in the house again until a couple of years ago when I came to visit Vegas on vacation and I couldn't stay at my friend's house that week.
Now that I am an adult, I can look at the situation from a different perspective. I now understand how difficult it is when relationships end and how hard it is to build new ones. I can see that stepmom had her own issues with her divorce and the fact that her ex basically disappeared from his daughter's (my stepsister's) life was not fair to anyone. I have alot of sympathy for her at that time, and I can understand that she was in alot of pain.
But that doesn't make her behavior acceptable. I did not cause any of the drama in her life, and it was not appropriate for her to take out her frustrations on me. Nor was it appropriate for my dad to sit idly by and let the emotional abuse occur.
20 years is a long time, and in that time I worked through the issues that were born from that time in my life, and I feel that I have forgiven both my stepmother and my father, and also have forgiven myself. Nobody is perfect, and I have grown and changed and learned, and so I felt that I could move into my dad's house temporarily no problem.
Unfortunately, stepmom and halfsister appear to see it differently. I have repeatedly tried to put a forward a friendly face and lend a hand, etc, but have received essentially nothing in return. Things are not quite hostile, but they are no where near civil. Today, I said good morning to stepmom, and she started talking to her dog, not even an acknowledgement. I just don't understand it.
All I can do is keep on truckin' and being friendly, and perhaps eventually they will loosen up. If not, at least I know I only have to put up with it for several more weeks, and I can escape to friends' places.
There is a bright side: Larry the Cat is quite affectionate and appears to love having me here. He especially seems to love me most when I start trying to work on my computer on the couch. And he leaves tons of cat hair on me to make sure I know how much he cares all day long.
Today I am getting a storage unit, since there is not enough room in my tiny room and the cluttered garage for all of my stuff, and I won't be taking all the stuff I brought here with me to Belgium. Not having to step over boxes to get around my room will make me feel much more comfortable.
Showing posts with label On Being An Adult. Show all posts
Showing posts with label On Being An Adult. Show all posts
Monday, September 08, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
back from the burn
I am back from an amazing week and Burning Man. Pictures will be forthcoming once I find my camera cords.
I loved loved loved my time on the playa, everyone there was so friendly and so giving. I will have many tales to tell in the coming days.
At the moment however, I am trying to make the best of a horrible situation. Life at hamsterdad's house is not cool. Like, my stepmom and halfsister barely speak to me or make eye contact.
Today was crappy for me for the following reasons:
Halfsister has taken to removing my shower supplies from the shower and putting them either in my room or in a box by the door of my room. When I politely asked if I could just leave the stuff in the shower because I was planning on showering fairly regularly while I lived here, I was told quite tersely to just be sure to keep everything on the one side of the shower. And, when I mentioned that when she moved my slightly expensive jar of sugar and oil body scrub, much of the oil leaked all over everything and made the soothing sugar scrub significantly less soothing, her response was a glare and a shrug.
Then, later, I added a couple of sheets and towels to a load of sheets and towels that had been in the washer for a day and ran the load, trying to be helpful, and stepmother gruffly told me not to mix my stuff with their stuff (even though the sheets and towel were from the house's hall closet, and so were actually not my stuff). Apparently there was a dark towel in with the light stuff and even though I washed it in cold water, the fact that I dared to try and help out a little was highly offensive.
Halfsister could have simply said, "hey hamster_grrl, there is not much space in the shower, could you please try to keep your stuff on the one side?" and I would have happily complied.
Stepmom could have simply said, "hamster_grrl, I appreciate that you were trying to help with the laundry, but I have a specific method of sorting, so could you please check with me before you want to add anything to a load of clothes?" And I would also have happily complied.
Instead they are just being plain rude and I am feeling quite awkward.
Thank goodness Sparkle was here visiting so I had a witness to much of the rudeness as well as moral support! I'm also happy that my best friend still lives in town and told me that I am welcome to stay there if things get too crazy (I already plan to spend all my weekends there).
Tomorrow I have a phone interview with a potential post-doc position in Belgium. Fingers crossed I get it so I can get far far away from this place as soon as possible!
I loved loved loved my time on the playa, everyone there was so friendly and so giving. I will have many tales to tell in the coming days.
At the moment however, I am trying to make the best of a horrible situation. Life at hamsterdad's house is not cool. Like, my stepmom and halfsister barely speak to me or make eye contact.
Today was crappy for me for the following reasons:
Halfsister has taken to removing my shower supplies from the shower and putting them either in my room or in a box by the door of my room. When I politely asked if I could just leave the stuff in the shower because I was planning on showering fairly regularly while I lived here, I was told quite tersely to just be sure to keep everything on the one side of the shower. And, when I mentioned that when she moved my slightly expensive jar of sugar and oil body scrub, much of the oil leaked all over everything and made the soothing sugar scrub significantly less soothing, her response was a glare and a shrug.
Then, later, I added a couple of sheets and towels to a load of sheets and towels that had been in the washer for a day and ran the load, trying to be helpful, and stepmother gruffly told me not to mix my stuff with their stuff (even though the sheets and towel were from the house's hall closet, and so were actually not my stuff). Apparently there was a dark towel in with the light stuff and even though I washed it in cold water, the fact that I dared to try and help out a little was highly offensive.
Halfsister could have simply said, "hey hamster_grrl, there is not much space in the shower, could you please try to keep your stuff on the one side?" and I would have happily complied.
Stepmom could have simply said, "hamster_grrl, I appreciate that you were trying to help with the laundry, but I have a specific method of sorting, so could you please check with me before you want to add anything to a load of clothes?" And I would also have happily complied.
Instead they are just being plain rude and I am feeling quite awkward.
Thank goodness Sparkle was here visiting so I had a witness to much of the rudeness as well as moral support! I'm also happy that my best friend still lives in town and told me that I am welcome to stay there if things get too crazy (I already plan to spend all my weekends there).
Tomorrow I have a phone interview with a potential post-doc position in Belgium. Fingers crossed I get it so I can get far far away from this place as soon as possible!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
dads and grads
Yesterday was my dad's birthday. I gave him a call to wish him happy B-day and to see if he had ever read the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, which is what I am going to give him for his birthday.
I asked him if he wanted anything else for his birthday, and he told me that he just went to Wal-mart and got oil filters for the cars so he doesn't need anything at the moment.
And, yes, if I had called last week and asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he would have told me oil filters.
Today I have been in a little funk. I got an email from my advisor reminding me that I have to get 3 manuscripts submitted to graduate. While I have been feeling like I have been getting lots of stuff done and making good progress, that email just made me feel like I haven't been doing enough work or making enough progress. Because if I had been doing enough, I would be graduated and published by now. I'd probably also have a clean apartment/house, a husband, a family, and no credit card debt if I had done a million things differently in my life. So the better part of today has been spent working and reminding myself that I just have to keep moving forward and things will be OK. It is a waste of time for me to feel guilty about doing this instead of that yesterday/last week/last month, I can't turn back time, all I can do is be in the now.
And hopefully, by expressing all of that on my blog right now, I am preventing more dreams about bugs in my skin. yech!
I asked him if he wanted anything else for his birthday, and he told me that he just went to Wal-mart and got oil filters for the cars so he doesn't need anything at the moment.
And, yes, if I had called last week and asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he would have told me oil filters.
Today I have been in a little funk. I got an email from my advisor reminding me that I have to get 3 manuscripts submitted to graduate. While I have been feeling like I have been getting lots of stuff done and making good progress, that email just made me feel like I haven't been doing enough work or making enough progress. Because if I had been doing enough, I would be graduated and published by now. I'd probably also have a clean apartment/house, a husband, a family, and no credit card debt if I had done a million things differently in my life. So the better part of today has been spent working and reminding myself that I just have to keep moving forward and things will be OK. It is a waste of time for me to feel guilty about doing this instead of that yesterday/last week/last month, I can't turn back time, all I can do is be in the now.
And hopefully, by expressing all of that on my blog right now, I am preventing more dreams about bugs in my skin. yech!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Friends and benefits
I was very excited because I thought today I would be able to enroll in the dental plan from my new job.
But, then I noticed that to take advantage of any of the coverage (like for cavities) you have to be in the plan for 3 months, and, for major stuff, 12 months. I am not sure if it will be worth it, especially since I will probably have dental at my new job in September.
When I was in my 20s, guys who played guitar and smoked cigarettes made me weak in the knees.
In my 30s, it's a good health and dental plan and owning a washer and dryer.
It's interesting how priorities change.
My oldest and dearest friend from Las Vegas is visiting this weekend (Natedog's mom). I am looking forward to spending time with her, especially since the last time she visited me in PA it wasn't so fun. I had lived here a grand total of 2 weeks and didn't know how to find anything to do, it was August (hot and very muggy), and I had no air conditioning and no friends. Luckily it is meant to be a beautiful weekend and I know plenty of places to go and people to see.
She keeps telling me that she wants to go out to bars, since she never really does that at home, what with the husband and kids. I laughed and told her don't worry, I'll take you to my bar, and then my other bar, and then my other other bar, and then (if there's time) to a place near me that I haven't tried yet.
But, then I noticed that to take advantage of any of the coverage (like for cavities) you have to be in the plan for 3 months, and, for major stuff, 12 months. I am not sure if it will be worth it, especially since I will probably have dental at my new job in September.
When I was in my 20s, guys who played guitar and smoked cigarettes made me weak in the knees.
In my 30s, it's a good health and dental plan and owning a washer and dryer.
It's interesting how priorities change.
My oldest and dearest friend from Las Vegas is visiting this weekend (Natedog's mom). I am looking forward to spending time with her, especially since the last time she visited me in PA it wasn't so fun. I had lived here a grand total of 2 weeks and didn't know how to find anything to do, it was August (hot and very muggy), and I had no air conditioning and no friends. Luckily it is meant to be a beautiful weekend and I know plenty of places to go and people to see.
She keeps telling me that she wants to go out to bars, since she never really does that at home, what with the husband and kids. I laughed and told her don't worry, I'll take you to my bar, and then my other bar, and then my other other bar, and then (if there's time) to a place near me that I haven't tried yet.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
California, here I come
In a few hours, I am going to the airport for an early flight to California to interview for a post-doc position.
It's an early morning flight, and it is easier for me to stay up really, really late than wake up really, really early, so I took a bit of a nap in the evening and am now staying up and getting ready to hit the road.
My bags are packed, my job talk is finalized (I will practice again before I get on the plane) and I am very excited.
I was looking through my jewelery box to find the right accessory for the trip, and I found this pendant. It was my mother's and now I think it will be the perfect thing to bring me luck!
It's an early morning flight, and it is easier for me to stay up really, really late than wake up really, really early, so I took a bit of a nap in the evening and am now staying up and getting ready to hit the road.
My bags are packed, my job talk is finalized (I will practice again before I get on the plane) and I am very excited.
I was looking through my jewelery box to find the right accessory for the trip, and I found this pendant. It was my mother's and now I think it will be the perfect thing to bring me luck!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Walmart vs. Target
I don't like going to Wal-Mart. For some reason, that store makes me feel sad for humanity. Perhaps it is the bad lighting or the cool color schemes of the decor. Last night I had to get a plunger after 10pm, so Wal-Mart was my only option. The store seemed dirty and sad and the people inside it seemed like they had been beaten down by life. Even the employees just didn't have any spirit.
Target, on the other hand, is different. Whenever I am there I feel like a piece of my soul is missing, and I know that Target has the thing to fill that empty space. Today, for example, the hole was filled by clearance-priced post-it notes shaped like my initial. I think that the warm reds of the Target interior just makes me feel better. Also, the store is practically brand new so it is still clean and shiny.
It is almost like Wal-Mart is a depressed store, and Target is the same store on prozac.
The big job interview is at the end of this week, and today I am particularly anxious about it, so I fled to Target in order to find some peace by filling my life with stuff. It's not really the best way to deal with stress, I know, but it was a good escape.
Plus, those post-it notes are pretty awesome.
Target, on the other hand, is different. Whenever I am there I feel like a piece of my soul is missing, and I know that Target has the thing to fill that empty space. Today, for example, the hole was filled by clearance-priced post-it notes shaped like my initial. I think that the warm reds of the Target interior just makes me feel better. Also, the store is practically brand new so it is still clean and shiny.
It is almost like Wal-Mart is a depressed store, and Target is the same store on prozac.
The big job interview is at the end of this week, and today I am particularly anxious about it, so I fled to Target in order to find some peace by filling my life with stuff. It's not really the best way to deal with stress, I know, but it was a good escape.
Plus, those post-it notes are pretty awesome.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Summertime, and a livin' is needed
So, I am going to get my Ph.D. by the end of the summer, and if all goes well, I will be moving across the country to a fantastic post-doc in a different but related field.
That is my plan.
There are lots of things up in the air, though. Like whether I actually get the post-doc (it looks like a good possibility, but nothing is set in stone yet), when and how I am going to move, where I will live, how I will fit my trip to Burning Man in, etc. etc.
But, the most pressing issue is that while my next job will not start until the fall (August/September), my current job ends in May.
So, what am I going to do this summer?
Well, I can't say that I am dreading the cessation of my meager grad student wage. I did some math and it comes out to just about $9.50 hour after taxes. This is fine, and actually pretty good compared to some other grad student stipends (but very, very shitty when compared to what people with "real jobs" make 8 years after they graduate from college). And I am sure that it is a wage that people could easily live on as long as they didn't have to pay rent, car payments, had never even looked at a credit card, and never got sick or had tooth decay.
Rather than looking at the end of my grad salary as the gravy train pulling out of the station, I see it as freedom to make enough money to pay my bills and buy groceries without putting anything on a credit card. Oh, what joyous days they will be!
But how will I make this grandiose salary?
Honestly, I don't really know yet. But tomorrow I am starting the search for a summer job.
My first inquiries will be with the local test prep/tutoring places. With the whole getting a Ph.D. and being a mentor to current university students thing, I feel like I can bring some qualifications to the table. I am going to talk to the test prep agencies tomorrow, explaining my situation and need for summer employment, and in a perfect world they'd just cut me check for one hundred grand and I could pay off all my student loans and credit card debt by May 1st. Or, they could just give me a job.
I'd be willing to settle for the job.
If that fails, next week I will sign up for some temp agencies. I can answer a phone, use microsoft office products and Xerox like a motherfucker. I would be happy to be an office temp for the summer. Taking a little break from academia would be refreshing, I think.
Any other suggestions for a good, legal summer job?
That is my plan.
There are lots of things up in the air, though. Like whether I actually get the post-doc (it looks like a good possibility, but nothing is set in stone yet), when and how I am going to move, where I will live, how I will fit my trip to Burning Man in, etc. etc.
But, the most pressing issue is that while my next job will not start until the fall (August/September), my current job ends in May.
So, what am I going to do this summer?
Well, I can't say that I am dreading the cessation of my meager grad student wage. I did some math and it comes out to just about $9.50 hour after taxes. This is fine, and actually pretty good compared to some other grad student stipends (but very, very shitty when compared to what people with "real jobs" make 8 years after they graduate from college). And I am sure that it is a wage that people could easily live on as long as they didn't have to pay rent, car payments, had never even looked at a credit card, and never got sick or had tooth decay.
Rather than looking at the end of my grad salary as the gravy train pulling out of the station, I see it as freedom to make enough money to pay my bills and buy groceries without putting anything on a credit card. Oh, what joyous days they will be!
But how will I make this grandiose salary?
Honestly, I don't really know yet. But tomorrow I am starting the search for a summer job.
My first inquiries will be with the local test prep/tutoring places. With the whole getting a Ph.D. and being a mentor to current university students thing, I feel like I can bring some qualifications to the table. I am going to talk to the test prep agencies tomorrow, explaining my situation and need for summer employment, and in a perfect world they'd just cut me check for one hundred grand and I could pay off all my student loans and credit card debt by May 1st. Or, they could just give me a job.
I'd be willing to settle for the job.
If that fails, next week I will sign up for some temp agencies. I can answer a phone, use microsoft office products and Xerox like a motherfucker. I would be happy to be an office temp for the summer. Taking a little break from academia would be refreshing, I think.
Any other suggestions for a good, legal summer job?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
pancakes are delicious
Yes, indeed they are.
Last week I went to the doctor to renew my prescription for anti-depressants. We talked about how things have been going, and she mentioned that she started me on the beginner dosage. Since I have a giant transition coming up (graduating and moving...somewhere), she wanted to bump my dosage up to the next level.
I was hesitant to agree because I felt such an improvement with the beginner dose. I mean I was actually doing real work and was motivated to get out of bed and could think about the future without collapsing into a teary heap. But then I remembered that I would feel good and be super productive for a few days and then completely zone out and sleep all day for the next couple of days. We had the conversation:
So it's been about a week that I have taken the increased dose, and so far it seems to be pretty awesome. It'll take a couple of weeks for my brain chemistry to adjust, but I have noticed that my motivation and productivity has been steadily increasing.
I feel more grounded and have more confidence in myself and my abilities than I did 3 months ago, that's for damn sure.
I have also noticed that my change in mood has also affected my relationships with strangers. I have lately really noticed that people have been saying hi to me as they pass me in the hall or on the street. Like maybe I am walking taller and making eye contact more now? I haven't been making a conscious effort to look people in the eye and smile or anything, but something is different. I am going to chalk it up to the happy pills, the glorious, glorious happy pills.
In other news, my trials and tribulations with my wacked out sleep schedule have been progressing. I have managed to get out of the house at 9:30am, which is an improvement from 2pm. I've also taken some more drastic actions:
So yeah, things are pretty good, progress is being made. I am enjoying the journey.
To wrap up I wanted to share a quote from my new favorite show, Avatar: the Last Airbender. It's the most profound animated children's show you will ever love watching.
While it is always best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. -Uncle Iroh
Last week I went to the doctor to renew my prescription for anti-depressants. We talked about how things have been going, and she mentioned that she started me on the beginner dosage. Since I have a giant transition coming up (graduating and moving...somewhere), she wanted to bump my dosage up to the next level.
I was hesitant to agree because I felt such an improvement with the beginner dose. I mean I was actually doing real work and was motivated to get out of bed and could think about the future without collapsing into a teary heap. But then I remembered that I would feel good and be super productive for a few days and then completely zone out and sleep all day for the next couple of days. We had the conversation:
Me: Do you think we really need to increase the dose?
Doctor: Well, like I said, you are on the minimum dose, if you want, you can take the slightly higher dose every other day and see how that goes, and if you feel like it you can go back to the lower dose no problem.
Me: Hmmm...well, I have noticed that I'll get alot of stuff done and feel really good for a few days and then do nothing for a day or two.
Doctor: Well, it is important to take breaks, I mean, you can't work all the time. It is normal and OK to take a few hours off a day or a day of here or there to recharge.
Me: Yeah, but I really mean 'nothing'. I mean, I could at least wash the dishes, you know?
Doctor: Oh, you mean you don't do anything, like not even shower?
Me: Not even that
Doctor: Then yeah, we should definitely increase your dose.
Me: Yeah, I think you're right.
So it's been about a week that I have taken the increased dose, and so far it seems to be pretty awesome. It'll take a couple of weeks for my brain chemistry to adjust, but I have noticed that my motivation and productivity has been steadily increasing.
I feel more grounded and have more confidence in myself and my abilities than I did 3 months ago, that's for damn sure.
I have also noticed that my change in mood has also affected my relationships with strangers. I have lately really noticed that people have been saying hi to me as they pass me in the hall or on the street. Like maybe I am walking taller and making eye contact more now? I haven't been making a conscious effort to look people in the eye and smile or anything, but something is different. I am going to chalk it up to the happy pills, the glorious, glorious happy pills.
In other news, my trials and tribulations with my wacked out sleep schedule have been progressing. I have managed to get out of the house at 9:30am, which is an improvement from 2pm. I've also taken some more drastic actions:
- I set the leechblock to block all the websites I like to play around on (this one, my blog reader, my flickr site and it's related fun things, the websites of my favorite podcasts, and even wikipedia) after midnight. So no more staying up until 1:30am making moo cards from my zombie pictures.
- I am going to switch one of my alarms from a beeping noise to the radio, specifically the annoying station that plays the same song every 20 minutes. Snex gave me the idea when she suggested that I am probably habituated to my alarm clocks and that is why I will still snooze a bit even with my crazy alarm prison system
So yeah, things are pretty good, progress is being made. I am enjoying the journey.
To wrap up I wanted to share a quote from my new favorite show, Avatar: the Last Airbender. It's the most profound animated children's show you will ever love watching.
While it is always best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. -Uncle Iroh
Friday, November 02, 2007
existential crisis
I was talking at lunch today with some other graduate women about life in academia, and one of them was relating a story about the struggles in a research-based career. She was saying how one really has to have a "fire in the belly" about what one does in order to survive and make tenure.
Later I saw an amazing talk by a very successful scientist who was clearly excited about his work, and I could tell that he would not be where he is today if he wasn't always yearning for the next discovery.
Then, I talked with my boss about my own work, what I need to get done and why I haven't already finished work that really should be done by now.
I could give a myriad of excuses about why x and y haven't been done. But, this week I am trying to sit and listen to the input I get from my boss rather than instantly going on the defensive*. She couldn't understand how I had let so much time pass without getting the work done, how come I didn't burn with curiosity about what results my projects have produced.
And as I sat there thinking about what she was saying, I realized that the reason why it isn't all done and I haven't graduated yet is because I don't really care about what I do. Do I find it interesting? yes. Do I think it is important? definitely. But do I have a fire in the belly about it? No.
This is a scary, sad, and liberating realization. At the moment it is mostly scary and sad, because I have spent the last 8 years working on this thing I don't really like. It's like realizing that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It sucks. Even though you know that it will all work out for the best, it still sucks.
The liberating part of it is that I also realized that I don't have to keep doing this thing I don't like. I can do a completely new and different and EXCITING thing for my post-doctoral research!
So basically now I really need to finish everything up so I can start doing something else that I will be much happier doing. Something that stokes the fire in my belly.
I just have to figure out what that something else is.
*I know it's cheesy but my horoscope this week inspired me to do this, seriously.
Later I saw an amazing talk by a very successful scientist who was clearly excited about his work, and I could tell that he would not be where he is today if he wasn't always yearning for the next discovery.
Then, I talked with my boss about my own work, what I need to get done and why I haven't already finished work that really should be done by now.
I could give a myriad of excuses about why x and y haven't been done. But, this week I am trying to sit and listen to the input I get from my boss rather than instantly going on the defensive*. She couldn't understand how I had let so much time pass without getting the work done, how come I didn't burn with curiosity about what results my projects have produced.
And as I sat there thinking about what she was saying, I realized that the reason why it isn't all done and I haven't graduated yet is because I don't really care about what I do. Do I find it interesting? yes. Do I think it is important? definitely. But do I have a fire in the belly about it? No.
This is a scary, sad, and liberating realization. At the moment it is mostly scary and sad, because I have spent the last 8 years working on this thing I don't really like. It's like realizing that you don't want to be in a relationship anymore. It sucks. Even though you know that it will all work out for the best, it still sucks.
The liberating part of it is that I also realized that I don't have to keep doing this thing I don't like. I can do a completely new and different and EXCITING thing for my post-doctoral research!
So basically now I really need to finish everything up so I can start doing something else that I will be much happier doing. Something that stokes the fire in my belly.
I just have to figure out what that something else is.
*I know it's cheesy but my horoscope this week inspired me to do this, seriously.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Living Right
I am in TX for the weekend to attend the wedding of an old friend.
I decided to drive myself to the airport this time, since I'm only away for a few days. I was planning to be ready and leave my house by noon to get to the airport in time for my 2:20 flight, becaus I thought it took about an hour to get to the airport.
At 12:15 I actually left my apartment and realized that it is better for me to have other people drive me to the airport because I would always be on time.
I forgot that it actually takes a little over an hour and a half to get to the airport, and it also takes time to park in the economy lot, wait for the shuttle, and then check in and go through security.
When I was about halfway to the airport I realized that I would likely miss the half-hour cut off for check in and was in real danger of missing my flight. But the weather was foggy and rainy, so I secretly hoped that there would be a small weather delay, just enough to prevent me from having to buy another plane ticket and explain to my friends in TX that I was a moron because I lolly-gagged around in the morning and didn't leave my house on time. I got to the airport, parked, grabbed the shuttle, and went to check in at a kiosk. It told me:
Check-in time has closed. See attendant.
Luckily, I was in the smaller, commuter terminal and there was no line, so the attendant got to me quickly. I explained that I was a little late (7 min, be exact) but I didn' t have to check any bags so please please please let me on the plane. She looked up my info and told me that there was a 20 minute delay on my flight. I told her that's good, since I was only 7 minutes delayed.
She didn't find that as amusing as I did.
I got my boarding pass, and she told me the flight was actually in a different terminal, so I went through security and then shuttled to the other terminal. I was racing, thinking I would be the last person on the plane and that I was a grown up and should not be so flaky to almost miss a flight. Seriously, I didn't really NEED to watch the last 15 minutes of that Dr. Who episode. I raced to the gate, and
they hadn't even started boarding. In fact, the plane wasn't even there yet. So, I sighed a huge sigh of releif and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
You see, the plane arrived, the people de-planed, and then there was some sort of delay. They actually told us it was for 'unknown reasons'. There was some murmuring about smoke in the cabin, but that was never confirmed. All I know is that they eventually told us (after a 2 hours of waiting) that we were getting a new plane, and had to switch gates. We went to the other gate, and then eventually boarded. But this new plane did not have as many rows as the other one, so even though we all had tickets and they said nothing was changing, there weren't actually any seats for everyone.
Now MY assigned seat was actually on the plane, which was good, but there was already someone in it, which was bad. The flight attendant said it was because some of the seats were overbooked and that the other passengers and I needed to go back to the ticket counter to sort it out. I left the plane, but the other people didn't.
Hm.
I waited in line but no one seemed to know anything about anything so I was just going to get back on the plane, but the agent had a problem with that. Luckily, a manager type person was walking up just as I was waking down the ramp, and I explained my situation, and they gave me the LAST ticket for the plane.
Whew.
As I was getting settled in and the flight attendant went through for the pre-flight checks, she said that I must be living right, since I got the last ticket.
I told her that I think it was probably that I was lucky, and the loudest.
I decided to drive myself to the airport this time, since I'm only away for a few days. I was planning to be ready and leave my house by noon to get to the airport in time for my 2:20 flight, becaus I thought it took about an hour to get to the airport.
At 12:15 I actually left my apartment and realized that it is better for me to have other people drive me to the airport because I would always be on time.
I forgot that it actually takes a little over an hour and a half to get to the airport, and it also takes time to park in the economy lot, wait for the shuttle, and then check in and go through security.
When I was about halfway to the airport I realized that I would likely miss the half-hour cut off for check in and was in real danger of missing my flight. But the weather was foggy and rainy, so I secretly hoped that there would be a small weather delay, just enough to prevent me from having to buy another plane ticket and explain to my friends in TX that I was a moron because I lolly-gagged around in the morning and didn't leave my house on time. I got to the airport, parked, grabbed the shuttle, and went to check in at a kiosk. It told me:
Check-in time has closed. See attendant.
Luckily, I was in the smaller, commuter terminal and there was no line, so the attendant got to me quickly. I explained that I was a little late (7 min, be exact) but I didn' t have to check any bags so please please please let me on the plane. She looked up my info and told me that there was a 20 minute delay on my flight. I told her that's good, since I was only 7 minutes delayed.
She didn't find that as amusing as I did.
I got my boarding pass, and she told me the flight was actually in a different terminal, so I went through security and then shuttled to the other terminal. I was racing, thinking I would be the last person on the plane and that I was a grown up and should not be so flaky to almost miss a flight. Seriously, I didn't really NEED to watch the last 15 minutes of that Dr. Who episode. I raced to the gate, and
they hadn't even started boarding. In fact, the plane wasn't even there yet. So, I sighed a huge sigh of releif and waited.
And waited.
And waited.
You see, the plane arrived, the people de-planed, and then there was some sort of delay. They actually told us it was for 'unknown reasons'. There was some murmuring about smoke in the cabin, but that was never confirmed. All I know is that they eventually told us (after a 2 hours of waiting) that we were getting a new plane, and had to switch gates. We went to the other gate, and then eventually boarded. But this new plane did not have as many rows as the other one, so even though we all had tickets and they said nothing was changing, there weren't actually any seats for everyone.
Now MY assigned seat was actually on the plane, which was good, but there was already someone in it, which was bad. The flight attendant said it was because some of the seats were overbooked and that the other passengers and I needed to go back to the ticket counter to sort it out. I left the plane, but the other people didn't.
Hm.
I waited in line but no one seemed to know anything about anything so I was just going to get back on the plane, but the agent had a problem with that. Luckily, a manager type person was walking up just as I was waking down the ramp, and I explained my situation, and they gave me the LAST ticket for the plane.
Whew.
As I was getting settled in and the flight attendant went through for the pre-flight checks, she said that I must be living right, since I got the last ticket.
I told her that I think it was probably that I was lucky, and the loudest.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Saying goodbye
I've been searching for a new apartment ever since I got back from Australia. The search has been heavy on my mind and heart. Being without a place to call my own has affected me more than I thought it would. I have been feeling lost and unable to start anything of any substance. It has been like I don't have a safe haven, a place I can sit with myself and think, and I hate it.
I have called about 30 people about apartments, and heard back from 2. It has been increasingly frustrating.
I was talking with my counselor about how much this is stressing me out, she asked if I had mourned the loss of my old apartment. When I instantly dissolved into a puddle of tears upon hearing the question, I knew that I hadn't.
When I left for Australia, I was in such a rush packing, cleaning, working, and organizing, I never was able to really say goodbye to the place. I knew that it would catch up to me sometime. And boy, did it ever.
I know that to some people, the space where they live is not really important. It is just an object in the world, and doesn't have any direct affect on their emotional state. But that particular apartment was special to me.
When I decided to move into that apartment, I was in the midst of some dark times in my life. I had been living in a crappy place on the first floor of a house. The bedroom was small, so my bed was in the living room. The bathroom only had a shower, no bathtub. It was basically a large dorm room, with no real furniture or decor. I had just been through a rough breakup, and in the process of dealing with the aftermath, alienated many of the people I called my friends at the time. I felt stagnant and miserable and just plain cranky. My upstairs neighbors had taken to playing Metallica at about 9am on Saturdays and then stomping about and yelling during the rest of the day. I hated where I lived and I hated how miserable I was. Eventually, I realized that I had to do something with my days other than sitting alone in my glorified dorm room, chain smoking and playing video games. So, I started taking an exercise class, I got involved in some new activities and started to make new (and quite fabulous) friends.
Also, I moved. The apartment had a real bedroom, a bathtub, a dishwasher, and it was the kind of place I could bring friends to. I moved in practically by myself. I was still really angry and good at alienation, so not too many people were volunteering to help me out. But, slowly, I built a new, better life there. I loved it. That apartment was part of my journey out of misery. I really loved it, and the years I spent there were great. That apartment was a haven for me, a place where my life transitioned from feeling bitter, lonely, unloved and unhealthy to feeling happy, social, well-liked, and healthy. I went from having very few people help move me in, to having a well organized network of many people help me and my stressed self move out.
This is one of the only pictures I have of the place. I will always remember that apartment. Good bye, old friend.
Next weekend I move into a new place. This place will be where I spend my last year of graduate school, where I write my thesis, search for jobs, and wear extra layers in the winter since heat is not included in rent. I move in next weekend, and I can't wait!
I have called about 30 people about apartments, and heard back from 2. It has been increasingly frustrating.
I was talking with my counselor about how much this is stressing me out, she asked if I had mourned the loss of my old apartment. When I instantly dissolved into a puddle of tears upon hearing the question, I knew that I hadn't.
When I left for Australia, I was in such a rush packing, cleaning, working, and organizing, I never was able to really say goodbye to the place. I knew that it would catch up to me sometime. And boy, did it ever.
I know that to some people, the space where they live is not really important. It is just an object in the world, and doesn't have any direct affect on their emotional state. But that particular apartment was special to me.
When I decided to move into that apartment, I was in the midst of some dark times in my life. I had been living in a crappy place on the first floor of a house. The bedroom was small, so my bed was in the living room. The bathroom only had a shower, no bathtub. It was basically a large dorm room, with no real furniture or decor. I had just been through a rough breakup, and in the process of dealing with the aftermath, alienated many of the people I called my friends at the time. I felt stagnant and miserable and just plain cranky. My upstairs neighbors had taken to playing Metallica at about 9am on Saturdays and then stomping about and yelling during the rest of the day. I hated where I lived and I hated how miserable I was. Eventually, I realized that I had to do something with my days other than sitting alone in my glorified dorm room, chain smoking and playing video games. So, I started taking an exercise class, I got involved in some new activities and started to make new (and quite fabulous) friends.
Also, I moved. The apartment had a real bedroom, a bathtub, a dishwasher, and it was the kind of place I could bring friends to. I moved in practically by myself. I was still really angry and good at alienation, so not too many people were volunteering to help me out. But, slowly, I built a new, better life there. I loved it. That apartment was part of my journey out of misery. I really loved it, and the years I spent there were great. That apartment was a haven for me, a place where my life transitioned from feeling bitter, lonely, unloved and unhealthy to feeling happy, social, well-liked, and healthy. I went from having very few people help move me in, to having a well organized network of many people help me and my stressed self move out.
This is one of the only pictures I have of the place. I will always remember that apartment. Good bye, old friend.
Next weekend I move into a new place. This place will be where I spend my last year of graduate school, where I write my thesis, search for jobs, and wear extra layers in the winter since heat is not included in rent. I move in next weekend, and I can't wait!
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
potent desires
From this week's Freewill Astrology:
I can barely begin to articulate why this week's horoscope touches my soul.
Since my return from Australia I seem to have been hit full force with the reality that the next stage in my life is rapidly approaching and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Well, I suppose I could move backwards, but the stagnancy I have been experiencing for the last few years definitely has to end. Basically, it's time for me to wrap up this crazy graduate school experience. This means the next year will be filled with insane amount of work, writing, and job hunting. I do not enjoy academic writing, but I am just going to have to get over that, as scary as it seems.
Also, I've realized that I have an amazing support system of family and friends, and I have a full social calendar. I would love to have someone to share that with. It's been years since I had a proper boyfriend, and it's been over a year since I met someone who I felt any chemistry with. I'm still exploring what is keeping me from a fulfilling intimate romantic relationship at the moment.
And I am homeless, technically. I am staying at a friend's house right now but searching for a new place, hopefully moving in Sept 1. Not having MY place with all of MY stuff has been a little disconcerting. With the stresses of Real Life barreling toward me at 1,000,000 miles a minute, not having a place of my own to kind of anchor me down to the world has been affecting me more than I expected.
So I reckon my 3 huge, soaring, potent desires are:
1. a home
2. a boyfriend
3. a Ph.D.
Of course I also have a plethora of half-assed goals, but many of them will get done during the process of attaining the Big Three up there.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It's the Season of Burning, Churning Yearning. Here are three of the most important things I've ever told you about how to get what you need. (1) If you don't precisely articulate your conscious desires, your unconscious patterns will come true instead. (2) If you want your conscious desires to trump your unconscious patterns, speak or write your conscious desires every day. (3) It's better to have three huge, soaring, potent desires than 25 puny, scrabbling, half-assed desires.
I can barely begin to articulate why this week's horoscope touches my soul.
Since my return from Australia I seem to have been hit full force with the reality that the next stage in my life is rapidly approaching and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Well, I suppose I could move backwards, but the stagnancy I have been experiencing for the last few years definitely has to end. Basically, it's time for me to wrap up this crazy graduate school experience. This means the next year will be filled with insane amount of work, writing, and job hunting. I do not enjoy academic writing, but I am just going to have to get over that, as scary as it seems.
Also, I've realized that I have an amazing support system of family and friends, and I have a full social calendar. I would love to have someone to share that with. It's been years since I had a proper boyfriend, and it's been over a year since I met someone who I felt any chemistry with. I'm still exploring what is keeping me from a fulfilling intimate romantic relationship at the moment.
And I am homeless, technically. I am staying at a friend's house right now but searching for a new place, hopefully moving in Sept 1. Not having MY place with all of MY stuff has been a little disconcerting. With the stresses of Real Life barreling toward me at 1,000,000 miles a minute, not having a place of my own to kind of anchor me down to the world has been affecting me more than I expected.
So I reckon my 3 huge, soaring, potent desires are:
1. a home
2. a boyfriend
3. a Ph.D.
Of course I also have a plethora of half-assed goals, but many of them will get done during the process of attaining the Big Three up there.
Friday, March 09, 2007
because nothing goes better with madness than more madness
The March madness is trudging along, well, more like limping along, since I have still not managed to accomplish all 5 things in one day yet. But I will carry on and keep trying.
There have been ulterior motives to the madness:
1)I am going back to Australia for a few months at the end of April.
2)The lease to my increasingly expensive apartment expires at the end of April as well.
So, I am moving my stuff from the apartment into storage while I am away and when I return I will live like a wanderer in a friend's house for a few weeks while I search for a new home.
The prospect of moving and going through the incipient purge of Unecessary/Unused/Uncomfortable possessions fits well with my recent shake-ups and realizations that it's Time To Graduate and time to Move Along in My Life. I need some change, and I need it soon.
Mark Morford said it very well in his column today:
And I am going to have to do all of those things (well, except buy a new TV).
The last time I moved was after a difficult breakup that caused me to rethink my ideas about friendship, love and how I valued myself. I didn't do a good job of dealing with my pain, and my support system couldn't quite deal with the strain of it all. My apartment made me feel stagnant, stuck in memories of past relationships and friendships. As the end of that lease approached, I was trying to meet new people to replace the friends I hadalienated lost during the breakup, getting involved in new activities, and trying to engage in some all around personal growth. My new place was the new stage in my life, and it was fabulous.
And now, the stagnancy has returned. Not in my personal life (well, maybe in my dating or lack of dating life, but that's another post), but in my professional life. Money is the main reason why I need to move, but I think that getting my stuff and space in order will help me get my life in order. Moving house is a big change, but graduating is bigger change. If I can handle the big change, I should also be able to handle the bigger one. Both are simultaneously exciting and terrifying, and both are definitely mandatory.
There have been ulterior motives to the madness:
1)I am going back to Australia for a few months at the end of April.
2)The lease to my increasingly expensive apartment expires at the end of April as well.
So, I am moving my stuff from the apartment into storage while I am away and when I return I will live like a wanderer in a friend's house for a few weeks while I search for a new home.
The prospect of moving and going through the incipient purge of Unecessary/Unused/Uncomfortable possessions fits well with my recent shake-ups and realizations that it's Time To Graduate and time to Move Along in My Life. I need some change, and I need it soon.
Mark Morford said it very well in his column today:
It's about letting the spirit evolve. It's about recognizing the need, that urgent, antsy sort of restlessness in the body, and honoring the feeling to move and shimmy and snap out of old patterns and beliefs and this is true even if it only involves rearranging the furniture or buying a big new television or throwing away all your old underwear or cleaning out the sex-toy box. It is, in a word, mandatory.
And I am going to have to do all of those things (well, except buy a new TV).
The last time I moved was after a difficult breakup that caused me to rethink my ideas about friendship, love and how I valued myself. I didn't do a good job of dealing with my pain, and my support system couldn't quite deal with the strain of it all. My apartment made me feel stagnant, stuck in memories of past relationships and friendships. As the end of that lease approached, I was trying to meet new people to replace the friends I had
And now, the stagnancy has returned. Not in my personal life (well, maybe in my dating or lack of dating life, but that's another post), but in my professional life. Money is the main reason why I need to move, but I think that getting my stuff and space in order will help me get my life in order. Moving house is a big change, but graduating is bigger change. If I can handle the big change, I should also be able to handle the bigger one. Both are simultaneously exciting and terrifying, and both are definitely mandatory.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
madness
It's been 3 days since the start of March MADNESS, and it has been fabulous!
Well, not really. I haven't managed to get all 5 tasks done every day, but have been able to get at least 3 of the 5 done every day, so I think it's only a matter of time before I manage to complete all 5. Especially since this week is Spring Break (SPRING BREAK WOO!!!!) so I don't have as many meetings and seminars and such to get in the way of all the madness.
Also, just in time for March (and its inherent madness), I got this awesome poster!
I saw it on the Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, and ordered it from Barter Books. It is a replica of a WWII poster from Britain. I can imagine it on the streets of London encouraging everyone to keep on going while bombs were dropping around them every day.
And if it helped them endure the Luftwaffe, then I think it can help me through the trials and tribulations of my last year of grad school.
Well, not really. I haven't managed to get all 5 tasks done every day, but have been able to get at least 3 of the 5 done every day, so I think it's only a matter of time before I manage to complete all 5. Especially since this week is Spring Break (SPRING BREAK WOO!!!!) so I don't have as many meetings and seminars and such to get in the way of all the madness.
Also, just in time for March (and its inherent madness), I got this awesome poster!
I saw it on the Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, and ordered it from Barter Books. It is a replica of a WWII poster from Britain. I can imagine it on the streets of London encouraging everyone to keep on going while bombs were dropping around them every day.
And if it helped them endure the Luftwaffe, then I think it can help me through the trials and tribulations of my last year of grad school.
Friday, March 02, 2007
March Madness!!!
I've been feeling like my life is in a rut for the past few years lately. So in order to help myself make tangible progress toward Growing Up and getting a Real Job, I am starting some MARCH MADNESS!!! This month, I will strive to accomplish these 5 goals. I think they are managable, and will definitely help me progress at work, where I have been feeling like I've been falling flat on my face every other day. Plus, my boss told me that in order to be ready to graduate my work output needs to be 5 to 10 times more than what it is at the moment. It sounds harsh, but she is right, and I know I can do it if I just get my head in the game. Hence, the daily goals:
1. I will go to bed a midnight, if I am home.
I have a problem getting up in the morning, and I think if I get up earlier I will be able to have more productive days in general. The problem is that I stay up until at least 2am every night, and the hours from about 11pm until 3am are not productive at all. So, in order to take those 3-4 UNproductive hours I have at night and make them into Productive hours in the morning, I'm gonna give myself a bedtime.
2. Read 5 scientific articles.
In order to be a successful Ph.D., I am expected to be an expert on the literature in my field. At this moment, I would say that I have a general idea about the literature in the feild, but am no where near expertise. But the 5-a-day plan will keep me brushed up on landmark papers from the past as well as up to snuff on the new stuff coming out.
3. Do one thing to clean up the house.
Chez hamster_grrl has lately started to look like a rogue mob of actual hamsters are living here. Clothes strewn about, papers piled up, etc. etc. I've been thinking that part of me being a Grown Up is taking care of my home. So, every night I am doing one small thing (like cleaning off the coffee table). By the end of the month, the place should look like Martha Stewart lives here. Plus, I'm moving at the end of April, so I need to get everything in order anyway.
4. Bring my own lunch to work.
This is really just because I shouldn't be spending money on relatively unhealthy lunches everyday when I can bring a healthy alternative everyday. So taking care of my wallet and my figure.
5. Produce 1 CD of data.
This one is all about getting my work done. One CD a day will make huge progress toward finishing a current project and more publishing.
It's not going to be easy, especially at first, but I figure once I get in the swing of things, it will work out fine. Wish me luck!
March MADNESS!!!! MADNESS!!!
1. I will go to bed a midnight, if I am home.
I have a problem getting up in the morning, and I think if I get up earlier I will be able to have more productive days in general. The problem is that I stay up until at least 2am every night, and the hours from about 11pm until 3am are not productive at all. So, in order to take those 3-4 UNproductive hours I have at night and make them into Productive hours in the morning, I'm gonna give myself a bedtime.
2. Read 5 scientific articles.
In order to be a successful Ph.D., I am expected to be an expert on the literature in my field. At this moment, I would say that I have a general idea about the literature in the feild, but am no where near expertise. But the 5-a-day plan will keep me brushed up on landmark papers from the past as well as up to snuff on the new stuff coming out.
3. Do one thing to clean up the house.
Chez hamster_grrl has lately started to look like a rogue mob of actual hamsters are living here. Clothes strewn about, papers piled up, etc. etc. I've been thinking that part of me being a Grown Up is taking care of my home. So, every night I am doing one small thing (like cleaning off the coffee table). By the end of the month, the place should look like Martha Stewart lives here. Plus, I'm moving at the end of April, so I need to get everything in order anyway.
4. Bring my own lunch to work.
This is really just because I shouldn't be spending money on relatively unhealthy lunches everyday when I can bring a healthy alternative everyday. So taking care of my wallet and my figure.
5. Produce 1 CD of data.
This one is all about getting my work done. One CD a day will make huge progress toward finishing a current project and more publishing.
It's not going to be easy, especially at first, but I figure once I get in the swing of things, it will work out fine. Wish me luck!
March MADNESS!!!! MADNESS!!!
Friday, January 05, 2007
New Year's Resolutions, sort of
I am not one to do the whole New Year's resolution thing per se, but I decided that this year I should really do something about being more fiscally responsible.
I have been spending more than I should have for the last few days/weeks/months/years/decades, and as a result money, or my lack thereof has been a big stressor in my life.
2006 has also been the Year Of Unexpected Expenses (e.g. root canal, car stuff, etc.). And so 2007 is going to be the year of Financial Reform.
So, the first order of business once I return home will be to track my expenses for 30 days. Once I know where everything is going, I will have a better idea about where I can cut down. I can even make a budget of some sort.
Oh, I am sure I am going to hate every minute of it, but I just can't bear the idea of turning 30 and then having to ask my parents for money so I can pay my bills. It just makes me feel like a Failure as a Human Being. Because I Know Better. I really do. And, because I Know Better, Financial Reform officially starts on Jan. 10.
I have been spending more than I should have for the last few days/weeks/months/years/decades, and as a result money, or my lack thereof has been a big stressor in my life.
2006 has also been the Year Of Unexpected Expenses (e.g. root canal, car stuff, etc.). And so 2007 is going to be the year of Financial Reform.
So, the first order of business once I return home will be to track my expenses for 30 days. Once I know where everything is going, I will have a better idea about where I can cut down. I can even make a budget of some sort.
Oh, I am sure I am going to hate every minute of it, but I just can't bear the idea of turning 30 and then having to ask my parents for money so I can pay my bills. It just makes me feel like a Failure as a Human Being. Because I Know Better. I really do. And, because I Know Better, Financial Reform officially starts on Jan. 10.
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