Last week I went to the doctor to renew my prescription for anti-depressants. We talked about how things have been going, and she mentioned that she started me on the beginner dosage. Since I have a giant transition coming up (graduating and moving...somewhere), she wanted to bump my dosage up to the next level.
I was hesitant to agree because I felt such an improvement with the beginner dose. I mean I was actually doing real work and was motivated to get out of bed and could think about the future without collapsing into a teary heap. But then I remembered that I would feel good and be super productive for a few days and then completely zone out and sleep all day for the next couple of days. We had the conversation:
Me: Do you think we really need to increase the dose?
Doctor: Well, like I said, you are on the minimum dose, if you want, you can take the slightly higher dose every other day and see how that goes, and if you feel like it you can go back to the lower dose no problem.
Me: Hmmm...well, I have noticed that I'll get alot of stuff done and feel really good for a few days and then do nothing for a day or two.
Doctor: Well, it is important to take breaks, I mean, you can't work all the time. It is normal and OK to take a few hours off a day or a day of here or there to recharge.
Me: Yeah, but I really mean 'nothing'. I mean, I could at least wash the dishes, you know?
Doctor: Oh, you mean you don't do anything, like not even shower?
Me: Not even that
Doctor: Then yeah, we should definitely increase your dose.
Me: Yeah, I think you're right.
So it's been about a week that I have taken the increased dose, and so far it seems to be pretty awesome. It'll take a couple of weeks for my brain chemistry to adjust, but I have noticed that my motivation and productivity has been steadily increasing.
I feel more grounded and have more confidence in myself and my abilities than I did 3 months ago, that's for damn sure.
I have also noticed that my change in mood has also affected my relationships with strangers. I have lately really noticed that people have been saying hi to me as they pass me in the hall or on the street. Like maybe I am walking taller and making eye contact more now? I haven't been making a conscious effort to look people in the eye and smile or anything, but something is different. I am going to chalk it up to the happy pills, the glorious, glorious happy pills.
In other news, my trials and tribulations with my wacked out sleep schedule have been progressing. I have managed to get out of the house at 9:30am, which is an improvement from 2pm. I've also taken some more drastic actions:
- I set the leechblock to block all the websites I like to play around on (this one, my blog reader, my flickr site and it's related fun things, the websites of my favorite podcasts, and even wikipedia) after midnight. So no more staying up until 1:30am making moo cards from my zombie pictures.
- I am going to switch one of my alarms from a beeping noise to the radio, specifically the annoying station that plays the same song every 20 minutes. Snex gave me the idea when she suggested that I am probably habituated to my alarm clocks and that is why I will still snooze a bit even with my crazy alarm prison system
So yeah, things are pretty good, progress is being made. I am enjoying the journey.
To wrap up I wanted to share a quote from my new favorite show, Avatar: the Last Airbender. It's the most profound animated children's show you will ever love watching.
While it is always best to believe in one's self, a little help from others can be a great blessing. -Uncle Iroh
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